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Dumpsters Part Troix FC |
5-7 |
Frankie's Italian Bar & Grill |
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Martin 'Allergies' Dibble 2 |
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Alistair 'UTT' Taylor 2 |
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Alex 'Spal' Sutton |
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With the severity of the hangovers at an all time high due to the 24 hour
birthday bonanza the previous day, the Dumpsters were all looking and
feeling particularly unwell, with Allergies arguably the most ill of the
bunch.
While scoring on the pitch seemed unlikely, John "SubWell" Dunn almost
became the first Dumpster to score off it on the walk from the bus-stop to
the pitch. Strolling past the notorious Spread Eagle pub, SubWell was
confronted by a semi-MILF, scantily clad in a hooker-esque mini skirt, high
heels and boob tube. The drunk 40 year old started complimenting SubWell on
his physique, paying particular attention to his "guns." These flattering
remarks and brazen flirting served to instantly embarrass SubWell, who
looked desperately uncomfortable with the situation he found himself in. The
final straw came when she closed her eyes and asked him to kiss her. With
SubWell's cheeks turning a dark crimson colour, he fobbed her off with a
tame excuse about kick-off approaching and made a swift getaway, showing
more pace as he scampered along the pavement than he had in any previous
Dumpsters match.
Manager for the day was supposedly Felix "Pussy" Baker. However, when
confronted with the task of deciding who should start the match, he
immediately resigned and handed over the reigns to Allergies. To add to the
pressure of being reinstated as manager, Allergies also had the majority of
his family watching from the sidelines, with Poppy the cat a notable
absentee. Also in the stands were the WAGs of Allergies, Hack and Onions,
with all three players eager to impress their on looking lovers.
First Half
The Dumpsters started confidently in the sweltering heat, with Onions
providing the creative spark in the middle of the park. However, it wasn't
long until they once again conceded the first goal and faced an uphill
battle. But with the cheering from the rafters spurring the Dumpsters on,
they duly equalized with a neat passing move finished well by Onions, with
Mrs Onions chanting his name gleefully on the sidelines. And before long the
Dumpsters took a surprising yet deserved lead, with UTT again involved. His
mazy run attracted two Frankie's defenders and Spal made a knowledgeable run
into the newly occupied space. UTT spotted this movement and slotted Spal
in, and the cool finish we have come to know and love duly followed.
With the Dumpsters
on a high from being in the unfamiliar position of winning a football match, they
were sent into cloud nine when Onions again struck home, sending the players and
crowd wild. This two goal cushion caused the Dumpsters to relax somewhat, and
with concentration levels diminishing, it wasn't long before Frankie's pulled
a goal back on the stroke of half time, leaving the Dumpsters narrowly leading 3-2 at the
break.
Second Half
The less said about these eighteen minutes of footballing hell the better.
The ultra humid conditions, coupled with the ongoing problems of fitness and
extreme hangovers, forced the Dumpsters to well and truly self-destruct.
Within ten minutes of the restart the game had been thrown away. Four quick
goals from the opposition put the score line at 3-6, effectively putting to
bed a game which had promised so much in the early stages.
Frankie's sixth goal deserves special mention due to the sheer incompetence
shown by two of the Dumpsters. With Pussy in a world of his own in defence,
and under absolutely no pressure, he inconceivably played a blind back pass
to Fraggle in goal. With Fraggle also away with the fairies, he failed to
spot the ball slowly coming towards him. The sight of the ball trickling
agonisingly towards the goal was excruciating to watch, and the humiliated
pair instantly earned joint Dick of the Day awards when it finally nestled
in the back of the net.
This catastrophic lack of communication was hugely embarrassing for the
whole Dumpsters team, and a tactical reshuffle was demanded by the gaffer.
This involved Allergies himself playing in a more attacking role, which
turned out to be a stroke of managerial brilliance. Before long Allergies
had reduced the deficit to 4-6 with a calm finish, while Spal came close
with a thumping header, which Frankie's goalkeeper somehow kept out with
save reminiscent of Banks vs Pele.
The Dumpsters were enjoying a lot of possession and were it not for some
generally atrocious finishing they could have clawed their way back into the
match. In reality it was Frankie's who grabbed the next goal. However, there
was still time for the Dumpsters to snatch a late consolation, with
Allergies popping up again to secure a quick-fire brace, to the delight of
the jubilant Dibble clan.
For all the highs and lows in this match, the bottom line is that for all
their hard work the Dumpsters again made the long trip back to Clapham empty
handed, with their Premiership status appearing more and more untenable.
Sacked Managers Review
"I thought we done pretty decent in the first half but we was all
too burgered last night and I reckon that's why we buggered up the
second half."
To The Pub
It was another case of drowning the sorrows, with the Dumpsters and their
adoring fans hitting Dixies for some cut-price Stellas. However, with the
team still feeling the ill effects of the previous night, no-one could
manage more than two pints. A sorry end to another dismal day for the
Dumpsters.
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