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Dumpsters Part Troix FC |
3-3 |
Waitrose Wanderers |
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Felix 'Pussy' Baker 2 |
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Alistair 'UTT' Taylor |
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The Dumpsters latest survival bid continued on Sunday as
they once again squared up to Waitrose Wanderers. After scraping a highly dubious draw from last season’s
ref-less and ill-tempered affair, tensions were bound to be high, and there was eager anticipation at the
clash between Martin ‘Allergies Dibble’ and Waitrose’s very own Cesc Fabregas after the pair had clashed in
the previous game.
Despite the usual assortment of hangovers the team managed to leave the house in
very good time, causing Richard ‘Fraggle’ Cragg and Alistair ‘UTT Onions’ Taylor to miss the team bus to the
ground, much to the dismay of whimpering “manager” Martin ‘Allergies’ Dibble who attempted to shift the blame
onto his players saying, “It wasn’t my fault, they made me leave”. John ‘Schoolnight’ Dunn was unrepentant,
boldly claiming that he’s been brought up to arrive early for absolutely everything. Schoolnight then
made light of Dan ‘The Length’ Clifton’s abysmal goal scoring form this term. This prompted a guarded fight
back from the Length, who pointed out that a hat-trick today would put him top of the all-time scorers chart -
bold and highly optimistic words that he would later come to regret. After an otherwise uneventful
journey, the team arrived in Wandsworth around 3 hours before kick-off, but soon realised that the only football
the team owns had been taken on a tour of Oxford Street by UTT Onions, and since he’d failed to make the team bus,
there was nothing to do but sit and wait…
First Half
Sacked manager Martin ‘Allergies’ Dibble opted to don the keeping gloves for the first half, with Fraggle
and the desperately hungover UTT Onions on the bench. The early stages were tense, with the Wanderers having sustained
spells of possession and several long range efforts, but the Dumpsters managed to stay fairly organised at the back and
keep them at bay with the help of some startling saves from Allergies and numerous blocks from Felix’s arse. The boys were
looking slightly ragged on the ball though, and they had few attacks of note in the opening period of the game, often resorting
to long balls over the top to little effect. The only clear chance was a one-on-one for Onions, who got it all wrong and failed
to take advantage, prompting sub Tim ‘Anal Bead’ Preston to immediately cast his vote for Dick Of The Day. Eventually the
Wanderers superiority told, and they powered into a 2-0 nil lead midway through the first half, the second goal flying low
into the corner from range leaving the keeper with no chance. The Dumpsters were looking second best and the score at half
time was a fair reflection on the first 18 minutes of play.
Second Half
Allergies was none too impressed at half time and opted to come outfield, replaced between the sticks by Fraggle,
who was full of confidence having won Man Of The Match for his keeping display in the opening game of the season. This switch
around was greeted with cheers from Waitrose Ringleader Fabregas, who’d become progressively more and more frustrated by Allergies
string of world class stops in the first half. However, things failed to improve much for the Dumpster immediately after the break,
as they fell further behind, leaving themselves with a mountain to climb with just 15 minutes remaining.
The realisation that defeat
might be imminent seemed to relax the Dumpsters, who suddenly found some form and started to pass the ball around on the floor. Some
inspired dribbling from UTT Onions and some slick interplay between Allergies, Pussy and the aforementioned Onions finally gave the
team a fighting chance. And indeed it was Onions himself who opened the scoring for the Dumpsters, beating several defenders and slotting
the ball home to give his side a glimmer of hope. Waitrose heads were already starting to drop, one their players commenting “They’re
gonna f**king do us now!"
The game had opened up by this stage as both teams began to feel the strain, with chances galore for both sides,
although the Dumpsters knack of shooting straight at the goalkeeper prevented them from building on their opening goal. At the other end,
some superb saves from Fraggle and a string of blocks, most notably off Pussy’s backside, kept the score at 3-1. Time was running out but
the Dumpsters were on top now, and chance after chance was coming their way, Pussy reducing the deficit further after Onions chased the ball
all the way along the goal line and pulled it back for Baker to power home.
Things were looking good and with chances coming thick
and fast it was only a matter of time before the Dumpsters were level. UTT Onions managed to hit the inside of the post, but saw his shot
agonisingly come back out as he wheeled away to celebrate. Finally, with one minute left on the clock, Pussy popped up again and slotted
the ball into the corner for his fourth Dumpsters goal, and second of the season, to bring the game to 3-3. However, his vast alcohol consumption
was obviously beginning to take its toll, as the Pussyman seemed unable to think of any celebration whatsoever.
The game was there for taking,
but things almost ended in disaster, as Fraggle parried a weak shot back to the Wanderers striker, only to pull off a Jerzy Dudek style wonder save
and tip the ball over the bar. The final whistle eventually blew and the Dumpsters left the field full of pride after claiming their first point of
the season with a truly magnificent comeback.
Sacked Managers Review
"It was a game of two halves. We were very average in the first half but when Dumpsters pass the ball on the floor, comebacks like yesterday will continue until the end of the season. I think this is a turning point in the Dumpsters season."
To The Pub
A richly deserved pint was essential after the game, with Dixies the destination as usual. However, one member of the team was getting
carried away, John ‘Schoolnight’ Dunn suggesting that we vote on Man of the Match and Dick of the Day before we’d even got halfway to the
bus-stop, making himself prime candidate for the latter award.
Once we finally arrived at the pub and the beers were in (with the exception of
northern wettie Tim ‘Anal Bead’ Preston), voting got underway. With several standout candidates, voting for Man Of The Match was tight. But after
several recounts and changed votes, Felix ‘Pussy’ Baker’s brace of goals saw him edge out the goalkeeping skills of Allergies and Fraggle. However,
in a cruel twist of fate, he later found himself made the clubs Honorary Director of Dick, in recognition of his consistency in garnering Dick Of
The Day awards.
The Dick of the Day was also decided. It was initially awarded to Spal in his absence, but after some debate it was decided that in
future all DotD awards could only be awarded to those who’d been present on the day. That left Schoolnight in pole position for the award for his
premature voting idea, with Pussy’s lack of celebration and UTT’s glaring miss also putting them in the frame. However, Schoolnight then revealed
Dan ‘The Length’ Clifton’s outrageous hat-trick promise and eventually the votes were even and the award was shared between Schoolnight and The Length.
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